Mystery

If you are attentive, some of the most profound insights come when you least expect them.

This week I was having a catch up conversation with my friend Rachel. As we filling each other in about the latest events in each of our lives, God bless Rachel for listening to me rant for a while about how out of control I feel at this juncture in my life. I detailed to her how lately it seems that the more I try to plan, the more non-planned my life becomes. A one week trip I had planned was canceled last week and it crushed me to tears. It was the last straw that put me over the edge. What is wrong with me?.

I am the girl who had a life plan when she was fifteen. And while life has taken drastic turns that I least expected (me, seminary? me, a pastor?, etc), in many ways I have often found a way to keep the chaos to a bear minimum. It always helps to have a goal, to have something to be striving toward, to have your next steps in motion even before you need to. Every summer since I was 17, I’ve found something new and exciting to do. Things like summer ministry in Charleston, or a tour of Burma or most recently pastoral internship in Washington, D.C. These were all things that I pursued with passion and knew in my heart that they would work out even before those who supervised these experiences officially accepted me. I thought that when I got to the end of my seminary experience, things would happen in a similar fashion. But, much to my surprise they haven’t. I’ll be graduating on May 13 having no idea what state I’ll be living in after July or what job I’ll have. Yet, I know that these facts aren’t the worst thing in the world. But to a plan freak like me, the situation feels much harder to take in than maybe some of you.

This is when my friend Rachel interjected into the conversation saying, “You know, Elizabeth, life is much simpler than you think. I’m like you; often times the more I try to figure out why certain things have happened in my life, the more confused I am.” She continued: “This is what God is like: a mystery. We can’t expect to know the answers about a lot of things.” Of course I wanted to protest and cut her off at this point, but then . . .

What a thought: God as a mystery. Indeed, there is much that we can’t know and will never know about the world or our lives specifically. And because of this fact, all we can do sometimes is WAIT and watch for moments where the mysteries of life are revealed to us step by step.

The lectionary theme of this week has been particularly meaningful to me—it has been as if this season of my life fit into it perfectly. If you are a lectionary person, you will know that this week’s Gospel lesson came from John 10 where Jesus speaks of himself as the Good Shepherd. The whole Shepherd/ sheep concept is a nice Christian concept (I mean who didn’t enjoy coloring sheep in Sunday School as a child), but to believe all of it on the ground is much harder.

You mean to tell me that God thinks of me as a stupid sheep? A furry little animal that is constantly getting lost? Someone who can’t make decisions without much guidance? Yes, indeed God does. And, as humiliating as this metaphor is, it has actually been comforting to me this week. Really, the goal IS for me to be out of control… to be a little lost … to not be able to have direction on my own… and to depend on the greatest Mystery of all times to lead me to where I’m suppose to be.

And if all the good shepherd texts this week didn’t get these ideas through my head enough, then, there was the reading of Psalm 131. It is a great Psalm for any anxious heart. I don’t remember ever reading it before Monday. But as I kept reading it over and over again my favorite line was found in verse two: “I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.”

So, life as a mystery . . . God as a mystery… where I am going to live in August: a mystery. But, after all, I’m just a sheep anyway. Just trying to have fun in the pasture while in search of the mystery. . .